Will You Walk With Us?

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I'M BACK!

And I'm sorry to say I didn't fulfill my desire to continue writing like I said I would last year.  I even lost access to my blog for awhile.

But I'm happy to have regained it, because I absolutely want and need to keep the story of my parents' journey. That's most important to me.

After Mom and Dad died, my blog captured the inevitable grief that followed, and as I lost my desire to write,  my blog followers also lost the desire to read about it ... like, who can blame you? Not me!

And now? Wow ... so much has happened! I hope you will walk with me on this journey; I admit I probably will need you; maybe you can get something from me, as well.

There truly is no such thing as aging gracefully — at least not as far as I'm concerned. When I began writing this blog, the posts chronicled my experiences with caring for aging parents. That wasn't graceful at all!

Now, I've reached a new chapter in "ungraceful aging."  I'm no longer in my 40s. I recently turned 51, to be exact. And so are many of my Facebook friends, which is so crazy!  I don't feel 51 emotionally, and I don't see my friends as 51. We're still kids, right?

But we're not. We've inevitably been subject to life's rules, and while I might not "feel" 51 ... my poor body feels older than that.

It's my fault, but hold on; we'll get to that in posts to come.

Since my last post, I have continued to grieve for and miss my parents. After four-and-a-half years, I now know that I always will, but I'm not going to talk about that anymore.

I'm living a new chapter now.

Since my last post, Dorsey and I have become true empty-nesters. Hart, 26, moved away to pursue his own career and life in Chicago, and he's having fun traveling most anywhere he wants.  And Jordie, 24, has moved off to Pennsylvania to pursue his career in baseball, which he has always loved.  (He's actually living in the part of the country I only dream about, due to my Tin Cats Antiques business.)

Since my last post, I became a great aunt to the most beautiful baby girl: Rowan Harper Migliaccio. She belongs to my sister's son, Cole, and she is a treasure!

Also since my last post, Dorsey and I decided to sell the house we've loved for 17 years in a neighborhood we've enjoyed. Last year, we were convinced and committed to moving off to New Braunfels, but the house didn't sell.  Recently, shortly after we decided we wanted to stay in Amarillo because of Dorsey's tennis network and our friends, we got an unsolicited offer on our house! How blessed is that?! So, we're selling for another house in another neighborhood in Amarillo. It's a perfect example of how sometimes we make plans God has no intention of fulfilling for us ... at least at the time we want.

The new house — well, so long as it doesn't fall through due to a problematic contingency in the house-buying equation — will allow space for our two home offices, a mother-in-law's quarters for when Mary comes to live with us, and room for antique overflow! It even has a pool, which is a bonus for entertaining. I also believe that pool is going to become important to me in the summers to come.  So, you know ... as perfect as this looks and sounds for us, I can't help but wonder what God is up to with the newest setback, just learned yesterday. However, I've lived long enough to know things will work out.  Just gotta sit tight!

In addition to those developments in my life's newest chapter, I finally have received unfortunate answers for my roughly 20-year progression of chronic pain and illness that has seriously disrupted mine and Dorsey's lives.  We also learned this yesterday.

Nope. There's nothing in the world or in this life that's graceful about growing older. Health eventually and noticeably fails. Our kids move away. Loved ones die. Peers get ill and/or pass on, too. It's just how life works, plain and simple. What makes aging ungraceful are the inevitably human  feelings of sadness, doubt, depression, anger, resentment and fear, among others, that accompany these realities.

Regardless and in the end, I'm still responsible for making the most of my circumstances and my life, and for finding beauty wherever I find myself; I often have to remind myself to suck it up because some people aren't blessed with the privilege of growing old. And, you know what? God even says we are to give thanks in all circumstances ... even if we don't feel thankful. (1 Thessalonians 5:18.)

So I am and I will. But you might have to remind me at times.

I'll share my unfortunate news another time. (Sorry! There's just too much for an already-too-long post to go there now.) And don't quit on me yet by assuming that because of some awful illnesses, I now share Eeyore's world-view; the purpose for picking up the writing again is for encouragement — for me and for anyone else affected by serious chronic illnesses.  I believe I am required to live as spiritually and mentally graceful as possible, no matter my circumstances. That doesn't preclude the existence of some pretty dark days; it just means I have to keep going.  The Bible says in Hebrews 12:1-2: "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything (italics mine) that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles (uh, like maybe a bad attitude and self-pity?). And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith."

I very much hate that this isn't just my cross to bear. I hate that Dorsey has to go through it, too, but I love that he loves me enough to do it.  Just now, I had to remind him in his discouragement with the house situation and with my health news that we just have to trust.  That's another of God's commands, right? Check out Proverbs 3:5-6.

And sometimes, Dorsey is going to have to remind me to trust, because believe me, I'm no spiritual powerhouse.  Shamefully, my life's story so far has proven me to be quite the opposite.

So, currently, I'm sitting in a house that's in chaos because we've already been taking it apart and packing; but now the move is questionable, or at the very least, on hold. And I have spent several nights the last two-to-three weeks without any sleep at all due to pain that's caused me to cry real tears; some nights, I have gotten a couple of hours or fifteen minutes at a time. Anyone who knows me also knows I love sleeping, so this has been horrendous for me. I'm exhausted. I'm cranky. I'm beaten.

But ...

I also believe 100 percent that everything already is okay because God is in the middle of it, and that "in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

So, as I close, I ask again ... Will you walk with us?