Got my zen back!

It's been a week since I've been to see my mom. While I feel bad about that for her and for my dad, the refreshing thing is ... I don't feel guilty! (That's not normal for me.)

I've been sick and felt horrible and lifeless. I've just had the usual cold/flu stuff, but I finally went to the doctor yesterday because I'm not getting any better. Apparently, whatever I had turned into a sinus and ear infection.

Interestingly, this experience forced me to stop. Just stop. While I might have attempted to go and do with this sort of thing in the past, I knew I couldn't this time, because I would be putting several older people with compromised immune systems at risk. Not only that ... I'm not a youngin' anymore, either.

While sick, I regained some perspective. I relaxed a little, too. I discovered I could trust others to take care of my mom. While I might not have felt this way if I'd gotten sick while she was still at the former place, for whatever reason or intervention this time, I did.

That doesn't mean things went smoothly. Based on reports from my sister, my dad, the staff and the sitters we kept for her first week there, Mom had her good days and bad days. She was weepy and afraid at times. She inconsolably feared different family members had died, repeatedly. And, she also had her days when she ragged on Dad so badly we had to encourage him to leave for awhile.
Apparently, though, this is just part of the new normal of our lives. With or without me, these things will occur. I can't change it. The only thing I can do is be there to help bear the burden and to comfort my mom and dad.

However, by the time I left to be sick for awhile, I had lost any semblance of balance I had sought to achieve. Yes, I had been trying to be balanced. I exercised. I took my daily hot baths. I did my morning meditations and such, and I stayed close to my support system.

Still, I couldn't relax. I had grown more worried and uptight and angry and fearful. (I don't completely blame myself for those shortcomings. That nursing home situation truly was disturbing and upsetting.)

In short, I had become downright miserable inside and to be around, I'm sure. (Basically, I had grown unable to reign in Voice #4.)

Voice #4

BUT ... getting sick gave me back my zen!

I feel somewhat rested and ready to go. I feel more able to feel less obligated to spend every waking hour with my mother. I feel more able to trust other caregivers. This theoretically means I can guiltlessly begin to take time away to do things I need to do to keep my life and my health on track. 

And, even better, while sick, my creativity resurfaced, and I came up with and researched ideas for activities for my mother, as well as other things. I am pumped with some things I want to put into action.

You see, one of the most heartbreaking aspects of my mother's stroke and the resulting dementia is that everything she ever enjoyed before is gone. No more books, no more favorite TV shows, nothing. She doesn't have the attention span or the interest. We have been forced to find things, and so far, unsuccessfully so. (Okay, other than foot rubs, but my hands get tired after an hour or two of that.)

So, today, I will get back to my mom's, get her room decorated, see the new pink Mercedes chair, work on some new activities, and plan my Valentine's baking for the residents. (Yes, I do get to do that!)

Hopefully being back around will help my dad, too. 

Ironically, while I didn't enjoy feeling sick, I still can appreciate it. I experienced a silver lining. 

God did for me what I could not do for myself.