The Peanut Butter Saga

Can't Live Without It

When I say I love peanut butter, I mean it.

I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER.

LOVE. IT.

I love you so, Peanut Butter!

Slathered on apples.

Smeared over bread and topped with jam.

Mixed with smashed up bananas and dolloped onto mushy bread.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Peanut butter cookies.

Reese's Peanut Butter cookies.

Huge, GIANT spoonfuls of smooth, creamy peanut butter.  

You are so wonderful, Peanut Butter!

I used to eat Peanut Butter every day in some way, shape or form. I enjoyed Peanut Butter and apples for lunch for many years.

I enjoyed Peanut Butter and apples for snacks for many years.

Peanut Butter and banana sandwiches? A delicacy!

I enjoyed Peanut Butter so much for so long, I heard my former office smelled like Peanut Butter for months after I had left it. 

Oh, how I love Peanut Butter!

Betrayal

Then a horrible thing happened: I got sick. 

Desperately, horribly, alarmingly ill.

Weeks, months ... a year and more of yuck. 

I couldn't figure out why for the longest time ... until I investigated the matter. 

I discovered my beloved PEANUT BUTTER was making me sick! Peanut Butter had betrayed me. After all the love and loyalty I had shown it (and Peter Pan) over the years, it let me down.

Why oh why oh why oh why?

Can't Live With it

I had to make the hardest decision I've ever made: I had to break up with Peanut Butter. 

I had to break up with Peanut Butter ... or DIE!

Oh, no, Peanut Butter!

Moving On Alone

For two whole years, I was strong. I ignored Peanut Butter. It had betrayed me, and I wanted nothing to do with it.  I remembered the pain, the porcelain bowl and the ... well ... that, too.

Oh, well ... how I did love you.

Seduced!

Then one day, I decided to let Peanut Butter back into my life. Just like that! Peanut Butter was cunning, baffling and powerful. It told me I didn't need a lot. Just a little here and there. 

So it started with a Reese's Peanut Butter cookie. Just one, I told myself. And then ... then I needed a sandwich, or two ... or maybe three. 

And how could I forget those apples with Peanut Butter! So many apples, so much Peanut Butter!

I was in love once again! I could not get enough PEANUT BUTTER!

I'll never leave you again!

Betrayed Again

But then ... I got sick.

<cough cough>

Three Strikes ... 

I just couldn't stop myself. Every day, I had to have Peanut Butter. A Peanut Butter sandwich. And a Peanut Butter apple. And a spoonful (or two or three) of Peanut Butter.

And a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. 

I couldn't stop at just one Peanut Butter. 

And I got sick ... again and again.

Doubled over in horrible, awful pancreatic pain! EMERGENCY ROOM SERIOUS PAIN!

Why, oh why can't I learn?!

Forced to Admit I Have a Problem

Dorsey found me curled up in the fetal position on the bed last night. With my face all scrunched up, sweat dripping from my face, I moaned and I groaned.

"All right! That's it!" he said firmly. "NO MORE PEANUT BUTTER! I'm throwing it away!"

And with that, I heard the jar clunk into the bottom of the trash can. The cabinet door slammed. 

He hates me.

Goodbye, Peanut Butter

My head was much more clear today, and I realized: I'll always love Peanut Butter, but Peanut Butter just doesn't love me. <sigh>

Therefore, I have to let it go. 

For good.

This makes me terribly sad, but I suppose I'll get over it. 

I lived a sober-without-Peanut-Butter life for two years. 

It was great!

I was well! I felt amazing!

I can do it again! 

Goodbye, Peanut Butter!

Every little thing ... is gonna be all right-ight!