10-80-10 Rule: Drop Your Shovel, part 3

Yes, it's true. You did need those lessons. You must have, or they would not have happened. Accepting that, rather than replaying the past again and again ... thinking somehow you can change it ...  is important to letting go of your past regrets and moving forward in the future. (I also happen to firmly believe that God does not waste ANY experience, good or bad ... what may have been meant for bad in this world, God can and will use for the greater good.)

But what about those people harmed by our experiences? What about those regrets? How can it possibly be okay to be okay when other people are not okay because of us? And how is it possible to move forward without forgiveness from the person(s) we have hurt? Seriously, doesn't their forgiveness absolve us? (No ... that's what God does ...)

I kind of think this might be the hardest part of moving on to a life we feel good about; returning to the shame and guilt of regret could send us right back into that hole to start digging again. We need to pay attention to letting go of regrets, for sure. 

So, let's start with some facts about what might be your current state: 

• You hurt someone(s), maybe really badly; maybe even irrevocably. 
• You have accepted God's forgiveness and can forgive yourself now. (It's been difficult, but you've done it.) 
• You've discussed those you've hurt (because you unloaded your dirt, remember?) with your new and wiser support system — you know, those who've "been there, done that." (Those are my favorite people, by the way.)
• You have decided —with those who are oh-so-wiser than you at this time — whom to approach to make amends and how to do it, if at all possible. (Your wiser ones will tell you that trying to approach some will only cause further damage. Be sensitive to and respect that.)

But also understand these important facts about where you are:

• Some people will accept your apology and your desire to make things right. They will welcome you back into their lives with open arms. They will be so thrilled to finally have you on the right track. (Yes! We love those people, and they love us!)
• Some people will accept your apology. They will, however, tell you to stay out of their lives — that they have no desire whatsoever to let you make things right. (Major disappointment.)
• Some people will in no way, shape or form accept your desire to make amends. They might even cuss you up one side and down the other. (That's just plain humiliating, but really, it now becomes their problem.)
• Others won't give you the time of day or the opportunity to make amends. (Period.)

Whatever happens, roll with it, even when it hurts. 

The greatest fact in all this — in my opinion — is that while we might wish everyone to see and believe the new and better us, it's just not going to happen. It's not, no matter how hard we try. In fact, sometimes the harder we try, the worse we make the situation. We must accept this and respect it to move on. 

It can be difficult to accept that you don't have someone's forgiveness; deep down, you wanted absolution, I know. Wasn't making amends supposed to make things and you all fine and good?

No, think of receiving another's forgiveness as a feel-good bonus. Making amends actually means you have taken responsibility for your actions; you've acknowledged your wrongs, and you are taking steps to correct what you've done. If it's too late for corrective action (maybe someone died, or maybe it's one of those who want nothing to do with you), it simply means you now live in such a way as to not do again whatever you have already done. 

And that is that. You've done and are doing all you can. You can and should move on. No looking back.  

And no allowing people you have or might have harmed to beat you up with your past, either.  That's not your deal; that's theirs —their behavior now is about them, not you.

One caveat, however: Remember that when you try to reestablish hurt relationships with loved ones, trust can take months to years to rebuild. Be patient. Still, you don't have to relive your past again and again through reminders from the ones you hurt.

Just keep doing the right things in your better life.

A wise person —who was told by another wise person, who was told by another wise person, who was most likely told by another wise person — told me to remember the 10-80-10 rule if/when I find myself dwelling on those who still hate me for my past. 

This wise person said:

Ten (10) percent of the people in your world love you and will love you, no matter what. 

Eighty (80) percent of the people in your world really don't care one way or the other — either because they don't know you, or because you simply are not that important to them.

Ten (10) percent of the people in your world hate you —or at least strongly dislike you — and will never like you, no matter what. Heck, you could be reincarnated as Mother Teresa, and they'd still hate you!

Logically, then, which group does it make more sense to spend attention and energy on?  

Fact: Life is too short to waste with any more regrets or with people who do not support your journey to be the person God created you to be. 

And one last thought, just in case you still feel a twinge of regret here and there, or get the "what ifs."

Peace.  :-)