Voices in my head ...

Don't judge, but I have three voices in my head ... well, actually, I have four, but one is so disagreeable, harsh and shock-provoking, she can't come out to play today.

These voices have been at war with one another for awhile now, especially as my sister and I try to figure some things out and make decisions regarding our parents.

Voice 1: Something has to give. You can't keep going at this pace.

Voice 2: I have to take care of my parents.

Voice 1: But you don't have to become unhealthy in the process.

Voice 2: I won't become unhealthy. I've never been that healthy to begin with. :-)

Voice 1: Not true. You're finally on the right side of crazy.

Voice 2: Um ... really? I'm having a conversation with another voice.

Voice 1: Everybody has voices. As I was saying, you and Kim are going to have to find some balance. Y'all can't continue at this pace.

Voice 2: Kim's going home soon.

Voice 1: All the more reason to get it together.

Voice 2: I would like to find a workable balance.

Voice 3: Yep, you're butt hasn't seen a workout in three months. FAT ASS.

Voice 2: Then why are my jeans getting looser?

Voice 3: Fat. Flab. It's all the same. You need to get to the gym.

Voice 1: Shut up, 3. You're not helping.

Voice 2: So what do I do? Dad's tired, sick, depressed and eats only once a day. He doesn't shop for groceries, and he doesn't cook. Kim has been taking care of that. I don't have time to cook for him because I'm with Mom.

Voice 3: He's a grownup. He'll eat when he gets hungry.

Voice 2: You clearly haven't been paying attention, 3.

Voice 1: If you spend less time with Mom, you'll have time to cook again, and you can help him that way.

Voice 2: Then who will take care of Mom? Between the two of us, Kim and I have been spending roughly 10 hours a day with her.

Voice 3: Uh, hello? The people you PAY to take care of Mom.

Voice 2: The people we pay to take care of Mom can't be with her one-on-one, 24/7. It doesn't work that way.

Voice 3: It should work that way.

Voice 1: Can't get caught up in the shoulds, 3. If money weren't an issue for ideal care, things might be different, but for now, we have to deal with what is.

Voice 2: And what is is about to be worse than what we're doing now, because Kim is going home, rightfully.

Voice 1: So are you thinking you can do the whole ten hours a day thing, plus take care of Dad, once she's gone?

Voice 3: And you're already neglecting your home and family.

Voice 2: Shut up, 3. You're not helping. They understand.

Voice 3: And you've got to start working outside the home again. Your second source of income is about to dry up. Then what, Super Woman?

Voice 2: You're such an ass, 3. Why do you have to be so hateful? It's not like I'm choosing whom to neglect and loving it.

Voice 3: You know what they say on airplanes ... "in case of emergency, put on your own mask first" ... Look at what happened yesterday. You didn't feel good and you were irritable. Mom could tell and fed off that. As a result, she had a bad day and a bad night.

Voice 2: So you're saying it's all my fault, 3?

Voice 3: Yep.

Voice 1: Shut up, 3. The only helpful thing you said is about the oxygen mask. It is clear from yesterday that you do need to make sure you aren't run down and upset.

Voice 2: She falls out of her wheelchair when we're not there. If we aren't there to advocate for her needs, they might not be met. Besides, I already do some things every day for my own maintenance. I won't stop.

Voice 3: Except your butt and your thighs seriously need help.

Voice 2: Priorities, 3. Would you please just leave me alone about that?

Voice 1: Y'all have talked about hiring "companion sitters." Do that.

Voice 2: We have to figure out who and how much we can afford. I need a schedule to follow, yet be able to be flexible.

Voice 3: You know, you really need to quit whining. You aren't the first and you won't be the last to go through this. It's life. Suck it up.

Voice 2: Thanks so much for your compassion, 3. You're still an ass. It's amazing I've survived this long with you.  I'm only trying to do what I think is right. Would YOU want to be left alone and ignored when you have to do a number 2? What about when you're freaked out and upset because you think you've been abandoned and you don't know where you are? Would you like to tumble out of your wheelchair? Seriously, how would YOU want to be treated?

Voice 1: There's a balance in there somewhere. There's an answer. We just haven't found it yet. Keep thinking.

Voice 3: Yeah, because your sister's sanity depends on a solution, too. You want to be responsible for that, too? You want to be the cause of her being torn between Flower Mound and Amarillo? You need to get on it.

Voices 1&2: SHUT UP, 3!