Just some random thoughts on recent events

The outpouring of love we have received from friends and family during my parents' illnesses and my mother's recent passing has overwhelmed me. In a good way, of course.

I can't imagine going through this experience alone. Not once in all of it have I felt alone, and that's saying something for me. I think it also indicates where I am with my faith, too. I've not felt abandoned by God, I've not blamed God ... not one of those things. I might have in the past, but everything I've been through up until this point apparently prepared me for the magnitude of faith I would need.

I understand and know that bad things just happen. They happen as a result of this fallen world. God doesn't cause it. God is the one who can make blessings from the bad things. And I know that bad things happen to all people. God doesn't play favorites. No one is exempt from difficult times, and no one is exempt from death from this life. And at the same time I have heavy things happening in my life, lots of people all around me are suffering devastating things, as well.

It's simply not about me.

Ultimately, God is going to work ALL THINGS (read "even the bad things") according to His plan and purpose, and He will use whatever happens in our lives and others' to ultimately bring us closer to Him. I've seen some people head in the opposite direction from God as a result of broken faith, but not many. And many people, while their faith may be shaken for a bit, come back stronger than ever.

It's truly been amazing how often I've seen God at work during this time. At some point, when I've collected my thoughts more, I might write about this. But what I can say is that I also cannot imagine how anyone can get through something like a loved one's death, or his or her impending death, without faith in God and eternal life.

Where else is the hope? What a cold, dreary, lonely life without that faith.

I'm thankful for my upbringing in the Christian faith ... and while I'm not grateful for the times, especially that extended one, when I was far away, I am MOST grateful to God that He used even those ugly, painful times to put me right here, right now. I know without a doubt that anything that was in question before — or might still be — already IS OKAY. (Because even if you or I can't see it clearly, God already has it covered.)

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We chose Casting Crowns' "Lifesong" to be sung at my mother's funeral because that was her favorite popular Christian song. We had "It is Well With My Soul" played at the end of the service, because that was the hymn playing on my mom's favorite "Hymns of Grace" cd when she took her last breath.

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Everyone grieves differently. I haven't figured out my own, yet. I feel like I've been grieving for my mother since she had her stroke in October. The grief has overwhelmed me at times.

My first response to any sort of major upset is to isolate and to sleep. I've already done those things ... although, I've had so little sleep in the last few weeks that the sleep probably has been necessary.

I didn't let myself "go there" before or while at the funeral, because I needed my composure for the eulogy. I also felt genuinely happy to see the faces of my parents' friends at the service. I got to meet many of their high school friends ... names I'd seen and heard for 46 years, but not their current faces. I also got to see some people I hadn't seen in years. It was such a beautiful blessing!

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My dad is grieving. Obviously. Right after my mom died and the couple of days leading to the funeral service, he cried and responded with grief when talking with friends and family. His mind was clear, and his spirits were good on the morning of the service. He seemed mentally prepared.

But since then, he has slept almost nonstop. And he has gone back to that confused state we experienced with him while he was with my mom in hospice. Maybe that will fluctuate, or maybe it's here to stay. I don't know.

It's terribly sad, but we're carrying on.

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The common thought in my mind since Mom died is, "Now what?" Meaning ... where do we go from here?

My faith tells me just to focus on today and what I need to do today. Stay close to God. Put one foot in front of the other. Make your bed, exercise, take your shower, be there for whomever, do your self-care things, etc.

So I will, as best I can.